The Nipple With One Hair...

We met online a couple of years ago and dated for a little over six months.  She was in her early thirties, part Asian and part black, and incredibly sexy. I loved spending time with her, I just couldn’t get enough of her; she was awesome. In fact, the only reason we split up was that she moved out of state to attend graduate school.

I really liked her, so in the beginning, I took things slow. It wasn't until our third date that we became intimate for the first time. Actually, in my opinion, that’s neither fast nor slow, it’s just about right. However, many of the women I’ve dated in the past expect intimacy much sooner. Any who, moving on…

After an evening out, we came back to my place, poured a couple of drinks, and began to kiss. She was an awesome kisser. We were just taking our time and enjoying each other. She had the softest lips I’d ever kissed…

I felt a little light headed and my heart was racing, she really had me going. We decided to move things upstairs to my bedroom. We continued kissing as we explored each other’s bodies with our hands. I started to unbutton her shirt, I unclasped her bra, and suddenly found myself face to face with a pair of the most perfect breasts I had ever seen.

I kissed her intensely for another few moments and then I started to, very slowly, kiss my way down her neck. I eventually made my way down to her perfect breasts. They were firm, but soft and her nipples were absolutely lovely, I was in heaven.

I started with the one on the right, slowly kissing and sucking her amazing nipple. She moaned, slightly, with pleasure as she guided me to her other breast. I slowly kissed my way to her other nipple, when suddenly, BAJOINKS! There’s a single hair protruding out from just underneath her nipple. It was about an inch long, thick, course, and kinked in the middle. Wtf?!

I was in shock and had no idea what to do. I thought about plucking it, but first of all, that would hurt, and second, I didn’t want to embarrass her. Then I thought about just telling her “Hey, you’ve got a hair sticking out of your nipple…”, but once again, I didn’t want to embarrass her. So, I eventually concluded that the best course of action was none at all. I would simple do my best to avoid the nipple hair.

At one point, I had completely forgotten about the dang thing and got it in my mouth.  I was grossed out and backed away from the nipple with one sudden and quick movement. She was like “What… what’s the matter?” I had to think quickly, so I replied “Uh… didn’t that feel good? I… I read about it in Men’s Health, it’s a new sex move” She looked at me strangely and said “Oh, okay… I guess it felt good”.  The whole scene was very awkward to say the least. 

In all the time that we dated, she never removed that stupid hair, and I never said anything. I just did my best to avoid it. It was so funky and it just grossed me out completely. I would forget about it quite a bit and get the damn thing in my mouth. Ugh! Anyway, she was awesome, so I just let it go. Whatever, right?

Craigslist M4W Post No.6: Old People Get In The Way Sometimes...

If we’re lucky, we will all grow to a ripe old age. And, if we’re luckier still, we’ll do it with someone we love by our side. I think it would suck to grow old alone, especially as you become more and more dependent upon others.

 

That said, I would like to share a short story about something I witnessed today while shopping for groceries. I must warn you, this is sad, so be prepared. Have a tissue nearby and step away from the story if you need to.

Oh, I almost forgot, you will need to use your best shaky old lady voice for some parts of this story. I will place in parenthesis the letters “SOLV”, like this (solv), at points in the story where the voice will be necessary.

Old people sometimes get in the way. It’s not their fault, but it’s often a source of frustration for me. Have you ever been to Costco during lunch and then decided to grab one of those hotdog and soda deals while there? It’s a fast inexpensive lunch unless old people are there, and they always are. I don’t know what the heck is wrong with them, but they just seem completely oblivious to things happening around them.

They always hold up the line at the soda machine and condiment bar. I remember once, there was this elderly women in one of those electric scooters just parked in front of the condiment stand. She literally had like five hot dogs that she was attempting to adorn with all of the fixings. OMG! I wanted to simply push her little scooter the f out of the way. I mean, seriously, move it you old bat!

They shuffle around asleep at the wheel getting in the way. It’s Like we need to keep all of them on a leash or something, sheesh.

Well, that’s the way I used to think. I was one cold hearted son of a b. But, I saw something today that really put things in a new perspective.  Here comes the sad part of the story… L

I stopped to pick up a few items from the grocery store on my way home from work. As usual, the place was chock full o’ old folks, but, for the most part, things were calm. I stayed out of their way and they stayed out of mine. At least until I entered the cereal aisle.

I couldn’t get through because there was a tiny, frail, little old lady slowly and carefully reading the label on a bag of Malt O’ Meal cereal. Her cart was positioned in such a way as to block the entire aisle and she stood smack dab in the middle, shaking like a leaf, just reading away. Ugh! Dammit! Now, I have to wait, who knows how long, for her to finish and move on, Shit!

Suddenly, a younger woman appeared and walked up to the elderly lady. She slowly looked away from the bag of cereal and asked the younger woman (solv) “Can we buy this? Please…” To wit, the younger woman replied “No Mother, I’m not buying that. You’ll have one bowl and never eat it again!”

Oh my God, I… I just couldn’t believe it. My heart literally melted and a tear welled up in my eye. For crying out loud, it’s a $3.00 bag of cereal, who cares if she never eats it! Buy it for her! How many years did she put up with your crap? Did you forget the fact that she gave you life and raised you? Holly shit! It made me so freaking angry. The saddest part of all is that it didn’t end there.

That sweet little old woman later picked up a bag of Tootsie Pops. She, once again, carefully read the label, slowly looked up at her daughter and asked (solv) “Can we get these? Please…” and, once again, her daughter sharply turned her simple request down. It was one of the saddest things that I have ever witnessed…

I guess I’ll never look at old people the same way again. I’ll certainly try to be a little more patient from now on.

So, why is this post in the M4W section? Because I’m looking for a date, duh. I’m an awesome guy, I have absolutely no clue why I’m still single. 

I’m 6’ tall, 175 pounds, short brown hair, big dark brown eyes, and pretty cute :)

If you liked my ad and would like to get to know the guy behind it, I hope to hear from you. Until then, take care!!

Craigslist M4W Post No.5 "Every Dog Has His Day"

I'm posting this ad for my dog, Bert. He's looking for someone special, so I suggested that he post an ad on Craigslist. He tried to type it himself; however, his little paws would hit multiple keys at one time, which made the task almost impossible. So, I offered to help him out a little.

Bert is a great dog with a lot to offer, but he, like so many other dogs, had a rough go of things for a while. I met him about six years ago, he was doing time in Tucson's minimum security facility for trouble animals; The Humane Society. I was there looking for a dog and the two of us just hit it off.

I posted his bail and he went home with me that same day. As far as why he was locked up in the first place goes, I honestly don't know. However, Bert has always maintained that he's completely innocent. In all the time that I've known him, he has refused to share any details of his ordeal. 

Bert's a fairly small dog, just fifteen pounds or so. He has short light brown hair, big brown eyes, floppy ears, a crooked nose, and a cropped tail. 

He sort of walks sideways and when he runs, he lowers his bum towards the ground and takes off like a little rocket. 

His favorite food of all time is popcorn. He goes completely ape shit for popcorn, if he sees me making some, he will not leave me alone. This is followed closely by pizza crust, which he also goes completely bananas for. 

Bert thinks that he's a much larger dog and he takes great pride in protecting his territory. He's very vocal and gives passersby loud and stern warning to keep their distance. Sometimes he provides loud stern warning when no one is actually passing by, which gets a bit annoying. 

He also enjoys talking to other dogs in neighboring yards. I have no idea what they are saying to each other, nor do I know if it's cordial or intimidating. I just know that I am often yelling "Bert! Shut up! That's enough!" He usually ignores me. . .

Bert's favorite toy is a small sheep that makes a sheep noise when squeezed. He played with it so much, that it no longer makes the noise. This has been a source of great disappointment and frustration for him. He chews, bites, and shakes it back and forth, but to no avail. After trying for several minutes, he'll turn and look at me with his big sad brown eyes. But, I haven't been able to find another one to replace it. 

Not that this is the most important thing, but I thought I should mention it anyway. Bert is fixed, so if it comes to sex, you know, there's no risk of accidentally impregnating your dog. I should probably also tell you that he's a virgin. 

That said, it should be okay, he's had plenty of practice. He enjoys humping his brother at random moments when its least expected. He also likes to hump the occasional stuffed animal, but I think he has to be in the right mood or something. 

Regarding the fact that he's fixed, please don't tell him that I told you that. He's really quite embarrassed by it. He actually wanted me to say that he lost his testicles in a fight with a bobcat. But, I believe that it's always best practice to tell the truth. 

I guess I should share a bit about me too. I'm single also, 6', 175, short brown hair, big brown eyes, and pretty darn cute. I'm also looking for a date, so maybe we could do a double thing?

I prefer women between 35 and my age. I also prefer in shape to height weight proportionate. 

Okay, take care. Bert and I hope to hear from some of you soon 

Craigslist M4W Post No.4 "Dating Sucks.."

I'm just going to say it, dating sucks giant donkey schlongs. Seriously, there are a number of things that, although quite horrible, are preferable to dating. Dipping my balls in honey and allowing a swarm of angry bees to have at it, is one example. Another example might be giving myself a paper cut and squeezing the juice of one lemon into it. 

It's a necessary evil, dating is. We need companionship, love, and intimacy, we're only human after all. Dating is just so stressful and it turns grown men and women into complete ass douches. Why the heck is that? Let's explore this question a bit more, shall we?

Allow me to share a personal story of a date I had a little over a year ago. There are more recent examples of course, but this one should prove to be fairly entertaining, trust me. It should also prove to be relatable to some.

So, I met this chick online, she was a fitness instructor and, from the picture she sent me, looked pretty cute. We agreed to meet for lunch one weekday afternoon. I arrived a little early and waited for her outside. Well, let me tell you, I was wrong about her being pretty cute, she was absolutely stunning. Gorgeous brunette with beautiful dark brown eyes, tan complexion, and a very nice body. 
Not only was she a knock out, but she was totally cool, fun, and very intelligent. I couldn't believe my luck, she was a dream come true. All I had to do was not screw it up. Yeah, wishful thinking, I completely screwed it up. 

Lunch actually went great. We hugged afterwards and said goodbye, a little awkward as always, but awesome. Then she did something that surprised me, but I found it to be incredibly sweet. She was worried that I didn't want to see her again. Wtf? Doesn't she know how totally kick ass she is? Anyway, she texted me something like, and I'm doing this from memory, but something like "So, we're going to go out again, right?" I couldn't believe it, everything was moving along swimmingly. 

We texted and emailed a lot after our lunch date and made plans to meet for dinner later that week. And that's where the shit hit the fan. OMG! It was like something out of a really bad movie with that Vanderbeek (probably misspelled that, so what) ass bucket starring in it. Seriously, the way I behaved is so embarrassing, I'm not even sure I should share it on Craigslist. Screw it, I'm totally sharing it. 

So, we met at Opa!, you know, that Greek place on Campbell? Anyway, dinner actually went just fine. We had a nice conversation and enjoyed each other's company. Afterwards, we decided to walk over to the frozen yogurt place and continued chatting, laughing, flirting etc. . . 

She was so cool. She brought this book from the 60's that she found in a thrift store titled something like "Care and Feeding of Your Pussy". Many bonus points here; she bought it at a thrift store, which I love, and two, she brought it and shared it with me on our first official date. Totally my sense of humor. 

Here's where my behavior begins to turn and I become a total douche. 

Mistake No. 1: She wanted to call it a night because she had an early morning class to teach, totally reasonable. But, I didn't want the night to end, so I convinced her to stay out and accompany me to a nearby dive bar. This was a major douchebag move on my part and was the first step towards permanently ruining my chances with this awesome chick. Read on. . .

Mistake No. 2: We arrive at the dive bar and head towards an empty seat in the back. We start drinking and talking, things were actually fine. But, then I kept drinking and talking and drinking and drinking, like a giant jack ass. Now, not only am I acting like a douchebag, I'm a drunk douchebag. Looking back now, I know she just wanted the night to end. But wait, there's more. . . 

Some kid from Subway or something was walking through the bar handing out free sandwiches. I was like "Ooh, yeah, we'll take one" Then she said, "No, I don't want one" and I was like "Are you sure? Okay, suit yourself" I mean, she just looked embarrassed and miserable. 

She got up and said, "I need to get going" and started to head for the door. I was like, "Wait for me, I. . . I want to walk you to your car". So, she did, but then I did something that wasn't really douchey, but I can still see the look on her face, she wasn't happy. Ready? I said "Here, hold my sandwich, I need to use the restroom". Holly hell! I'm pretty sure she was fuming. 

Mistake No. 3: I walk her to her car and we hugged. I don't remember exactly how, but I went in for a kiss. She kissed me, but wasn't into it at all. I can't blame her, my breath must have been awful after all the beer I drank. So, there I am, drunk trying to kiss this poor girl with my nasty breath, and what do you think happens next? That's right folks, I get a total hard on and I wasn't shy about it. I rubbed it against her thigh or something weird like that. Anyway, that was the end of the night. She somehow kept her composure and said she really had to go. 

Mistake No. 4: The next morning, still unaware of what a complete dickhead I had been, I texted her with "good morning, had a great time" or something like that. She replied once, but then stopped responding. At that moment, memories of the evening began to surface, I was like "oh shit, I screwed up". So, I texted her and texted and texted and texted and emailed and texted and texted and emailed and texted and emailed. It was absurd, the number of texts and emails I sent to this poor woman. What the hell did she do in a past life to deserve an evening with me? Right? 

She finally responded to tell me off. But, you know something? Even after all that, she was still very cool about it. She wasn't rude or mean, she politely told me, in a nutshell, to go away. I deserved much much worse. 

Many lessons were learned that night. I still regret screwing up so badly with that girl, she really was awesome. But, this brings me back to my original point; dating makes people act like total ass buckets. 

Sorry this ad was so long. If you read all the way through and you'd like to get to know the guy behind it, I hope to hear from you. As much as I hate it, I am looking for a date, I promise not to screw it up. 

I'm 6', 175, brown hair and dark brown eyes, in shape, and dang cute :) 

I'm looking for someone near my age, not much younger or older, but I'm flexible. Looks aren't the most important thing, but we should be somewhat attracted to each other. That said, I really prefer height weight proportionate. 

Okay, I hope to hear from someone soon 

Craigslist M4W Post No.3 "This Will Sound A Bit Strange, But I'm Actually God's Gift To Women"

I understand how that must sound, like I'm a total douchebag, but it's true. I didn't believe it myself, until one evening Hugh Hefner and 50 Cent appeared to me in a dream. 

Astonished, I asked "Mr. Hefner and um... Mr. Cent, what are you doing here?" 50, with his trademark smile, answered "Damn man, don't act stupid, you know why we're here" and Hugh added "Yeah, please don't be stupid, I have a mansion full of Playboy Bunnies waiting for me, let's hurry this up" So, nervous as hell, I said "You're here to tell me that I'm God's gift to women?". Looking relieved, they both smiled and 50 replied "Yes, and it's about time you realized it too". Then they both faded into a strange mist. 

If that's not irrefutable proof that I am God's gift to women, I'm not sure what is. Obviously, I won't remain single for long, so I would get hoppin if I were you. I expect my email to literally blow up, so please be patient, I'll respond to everyone as quickly as possible. 

The guy in the pic isn't actually me. I'm so hot, I will blow your mind. Mind blown.

Reply soon ladies, yeah! Alright!

Craigslist M4W Post No.2 "Do You Think Pigs Are Happy With Their Lot In Life?"

I mean, they're just so freakin delicious. No other animal is as yummy as a pig; that must get to them. 

Think about it; from pigs we get bacon, which is one of the most, if not the most tasty thing to come from an animal. On it's own, bacon is enough to condemn pigs. But, unfortunately, the pink little guys have so much more to give. Pork chops, pork tenderloin, pork shoulder, pork butt, and let's not forget ribs. Holy crap, right? Freakin ribs? I love ribs. 

Forget Planet of the Apes, if any animal revolts against humans, it will be the pig. Hell, look at what Wilbur from Charlotte's Web had to do to save himself from slaughter? That guy could talk, dance, all sorts of shit, and he was still destined for the chopping block. 

I'm not going to stop eating all of the yummy things that come from pigs anytime soon. I'm just saying, pigs may one day decide they've had enough. We should all be aware of this rarely discussed fact. 

If you feel the same way about pigs and other important issues, we should talk. As fortune would have it, I'm currently single, so this is definitely your lucky day. A great catch like me won't stay single for long, so yeah, contact me. 

I'm pretty cute too and crap loads of fun to be around. I bring the fun and I bring the cute where ever I go, seriously. I could be with anyone I want, but I decided to place this ad on Craigslist instead. You never know, right? 

Here are my stats, like they matter. 6', 175, deep dark brown eyes, short brown hair, and f*ing god like good looks. I may have exaggerated that last part a little bit, but you get the idea. 

So, get back to me and let's talk. You may think I sound awesome in my ad, but just wait until we chat :).

Craigslist M4W Ad No.1 "What The Hell Are Those Keebler Elves Adding To Their Cookies, Crack?"

Seriously, once you start eating them, it's almost impossible to put the package down. Before you know it, they're all gone and you start jonesin' for more. The FDA should look into to those little cookie pushing, pointy eared, hollowed out tree living, vertically challenged, gaping dick holes. 

Anyways, I'm on here a lookin' for a date. As shocking as it may be to hear this, I'm single. I know, right? A great catch like me, alone? I mean, I don't get it. And yet, here I am, on Craigslist of all places, looking for companionship. Damn, I did not see this coming.

Everyday, I wake up and stare, admiringly, at myself in the mirror. I know that I am all that is man, but no one else seems to notice. I use the latest manly scented soaps and lotions from Walmart. I use "Extreme Sport!" scented deodorant. I wear the classic Old Spice aftershave. What else do I need to do to get noticed by the ladies? Damn it! I'm giving it all that I've got!

Alright, I'm going to share something with you, but please don't tell anyone else. And, please don't laugh. It's so embarrassing. Look, before I tell you, I want you to know that I'm not trying to be a pervert or anything, I just have to get it off my chest. Okay, here it goes... I tried to shave my, well you know, my testicles. Big mistake, oh my god! WTF was I thinking!

I don't know what got into me. At first, I tried using an old electric razor, but that didn't work at all. So, I grabbed my menthol scented shave cream and disposable razor. Clearly, menthol scented shave cream is not meant for use on one's genitals, but how was I supposed to know that? Also, it's probably a good idea to use a new razor, not a dull used one. So, half of my scrotum is now full of shaving nicks and the other half is still full of hair. 

I'm so self conscious sometimes. I worry about my breath and whether or not I have body odor. I ask myself questions like "Omg, am I muffin topping? Am I? I'm totally muffin topping..." Then I think about it for the rest of the day. When I'm standing in line at the store or where ever, I worry about how I'm standing. Thoughts run through my mind like "Does this look okay? Do I look casual or does it look like I'm trying too hard?" Oh lord help me, I'm a total mess.

So, look, I just want someone to hang with. You know, meet up for coffee or a drink and talk for a bit. Yes, I'm a little weird, but I still deserve a friend, don't I? I mean, everyone deserves to find friendship or perhaps even love, right? Geez, I hope so. 

If it matters, I'm 44, 6', 175, short brown hair, dark brown puppy dog eyes, in shape, I look young for my age, and I'm cute :). 

I would love to meet someone around my age or a little younger. I'm an open, free spirited kind of guy. I enjoy all sorts of things and all sorts of people. I look like a square, but I'm a hippie at heart. 

Okay, thanks for reading and I hope to hear from some cool people.