I'm just going to say it, dating sucks giant donkey schlongs. Seriously, there are a number of things that, although quite horrible, are preferable to dating. Dipping my balls in honey and allowing a swarm of angry bees to have at it, is one example. Another example might be giving myself a paper cut and squeezing the juice of one lemon into it.
It's a necessary evil, dating is. We need companionship, love, and intimacy, we're only human after all. Dating is just so stressful and it turns grown men and women into complete ass douches. Why the heck is that? Let's explore this question a bit more, shall we?
Allow me to share a personal story of a date I had a little over a year ago. There are more recent examples of course, but this one should prove to be fairly entertaining, trust me. It should also prove to be relatable to some.
So, I met this chick online, she was a fitness instructor and, from the picture she sent me, looked pretty cute. We agreed to meet for lunch one weekday afternoon. I arrived a little early and waited for her outside. Well, let me tell you, I was wrong about her being pretty cute, she was absolutely stunning. Gorgeous brunette with beautiful dark brown eyes, tan complexion, and a very nice body.
Not only was she a knock out, but she was totally cool, fun, and very intelligent. I couldn't believe my luck, she was a dream come true. All I had to do was not screw it up. Yeah, wishful thinking, I completely screwed it up.
Lunch actually went great. We hugged afterwards and said goodbye, a little awkward as always, but awesome. Then she did something that surprised me, but I found it to be incredibly sweet. She was worried that I didn't want to see her again. Wtf? Doesn't she know how totally kick ass she is? Anyway, she texted me something like, and I'm doing this from memory, but something like "So, we're going to go out again, right?" I couldn't believe it, everything was moving along swimmingly.
We texted and emailed a lot after our lunch date and made plans to meet for dinner later that week. And that's where the shit hit the fan. OMG! It was like something out of a really bad movie with that Vanderbeek (probably misspelled that, so what) ass bucket starring in it. Seriously, the way I behaved is so embarrassing, I'm not even sure I should share it on Craigslist. Screw it, I'm totally sharing it.
So, we met at Opa!, you know, that Greek place on Campbell? Anyway, dinner actually went just fine. We had a nice conversation and enjoyed each other's company. Afterwards, we decided to walk over to the frozen yogurt place and continued chatting, laughing, flirting etc. . .
She was so cool. She brought this book from the 60's that she found in a thrift store titled something like "Care and Feeding of Your Pussy". Many bonus points here; she bought it at a thrift store, which I love, and two, she brought it and shared it with me on our first official date. Totally my sense of humor.
Here's where my behavior begins to turn and I become a total douche.
Mistake No. 1: She wanted to call it a night because she had an early morning class to teach, totally reasonable. But, I didn't want the night to end, so I convinced her to stay out and accompany me to a nearby dive bar. This was a major douchebag move on my part and was the first step towards permanently ruining my chances with this awesome chick. Read on. . .
Mistake No. 2: We arrive at the dive bar and head towards an empty seat in the back. We start drinking and talking, things were actually fine. But, then I kept drinking and talking and drinking and drinking, like a giant jack ass. Now, not only am I acting like a douchebag, I'm a drunk douchebag. Looking back now, I know she just wanted the night to end. But wait, there's more. . .
Some kid from Subway or something was walking through the bar handing out free sandwiches. I was like "Ooh, yeah, we'll take one" Then she said, "No, I don't want one" and I was like "Are you sure? Okay, suit yourself" I mean, she just looked embarrassed and miserable.
She got up and said, "I need to get going" and started to head for the door. I was like, "Wait for me, I. . . I want to walk you to your car". So, she did, but then I did something that wasn't really douchey, but I can still see the look on her face, she wasn't happy. Ready? I said "Here, hold my sandwich, I need to use the restroom". Holly hell! I'm pretty sure she was fuming.
Mistake No. 3: I walk her to her car and we hugged. I don't remember exactly how, but I went in for a kiss. She kissed me, but wasn't into it at all. I can't blame her, my breath must have been awful after all the beer I drank. So, there I am, drunk trying to kiss this poor girl with my nasty breath, and what do you think happens next? That's right folks, I get a total hard on and I wasn't shy about it. I rubbed it against her thigh or something weird like that. Anyway, that was the end of the night. She somehow kept her composure and said she really had to go.
Mistake No. 4: The next morning, still unaware of what a complete dickhead I had been, I texted her with "good morning, had a great time" or something like that. She replied once, but then stopped responding. At that moment, memories of the evening began to surface, I was like "oh shit, I screwed up". So, I texted her and texted and texted and texted and emailed and texted and texted and emailed and texted and emailed. It was absurd, the number of texts and emails I sent to this poor woman. What the hell did she do in a past life to deserve an evening with me? Right?
She finally responded to tell me off. But, you know something? Even after all that, she was still very cool about it. She wasn't rude or mean, she politely told me, in a nutshell, to go away. I deserved much much worse.
Many lessons were learned that night. I still regret screwing up so badly with that girl, she really was awesome. But, this brings me back to my original point; dating makes people act like total ass buckets.
Sorry this ad was so long. If you read all the way through and you'd like to get to know the guy behind it, I hope to hear from you. As much as I hate it, I am looking for a date, I promise not to screw it up.
I'm 6', 175, brown hair and dark brown eyes, in shape, and dang cute :)
I'm looking for someone near my age, not much younger or older, but I'm flexible. Looks aren't the most important thing, but we should be somewhat attracted to each other. That said, I really prefer height weight proportionate.
Okay, I hope to hear from someone soon
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